We all have them. Those days we just can't function, those days that we want to stay in bed, those days we can't seem to make ourselves just enjoy life. It happens. There are days we are so exhausted we just want cup after cup of coffee and a good tv show, or book.
But we're moms.
That dreaded word, "Mom." That loved word, "Mom." It's all mixed into one. We aren't perfect. Let's get real. It sounds horrible to say it's a dreaded word, but how many hands can I get to admit that we have days that if our kids yell "mom" one more time, we are going to snap? I am going to guess that every single mom who is willing to be honest with themselves will say they have those days.
We are in the middle of a move. We just bought a house and it will be ready for us to move in to in about a month. I am pregnant. I am at that point that I feel really good for about the first hour of the day and the rest of the day feels like I'm pulling around a bag of 100 bricks. I'm exhausted. My kids have been feeling the tension of the move, and all the trips to see homes and sign papers and to sign more papers, runs to the bank etc. You know...it's just been one of those months. My son has started this "pouty face" and fit throwing like he's returned to the horrible land of terrible two's. My youngest has just reached the terrible two's and when we scold her, she scowls, scrunches up her little face and points her finger at me, wagging it like a new born puppy's tail. My middle child is trying to potty train. She doesn't seem to be trying, actually...and it's a problem. We had a good 2-3 weeks and then suddenly she reverted to not trying at all. Accidents everywhere. Both kind. Mind you, I am still struggling with a bit of morning sickness, so scrubbing "piles" out of the carpet isn't conducive to keeping my meals down.
Every day, it's, "Mom. Mom. Mommm. Mommmmmmm. Mommmmmyyyyy. MOMMY. Mom. MOMMY. MOM!"
Normally, I answer right away. Normally, on good days or good moments, shall we say, I am all present. I am there for my kids. But this past month we have been trying to get this house stuff together, I have been unable to multifunction. I have only been able to focus on one small thing at a time and even those things I was messing up. After hearing the "mom" word over and over, I end up snapping, "What? What do you want?!" Grrrrr. Surely I'm not the only mom who goes through this.
Then my heart melts and I feel bad when I see the confusion cross their face and they just turn away, and go about playing. Sometimes I get up and go get what they needed/wanted and some days, I call them to me to get cuddles, or some days, I'm way less than perfect and I just continue about my day, completing the work I was doing.
So being that the next month before we move will hold quite a bit of stress, I decided to make goals for myself and ideas on how to be a better mother during my "Snappy Days." Here are just a few that I came up with.
1. It's ok to be tired. Give yourself permission to be tired, to have time to yourself (take a bath, close the door and enjoy some chocolate).
2. Make time each day for each child. It's doable. 10 minutes even. Just sit down, read a story, watch a Disney Junior (30 minutes), color, give a bubble bath, paint their toe nails, even play trucks with your boys. You'll notice a huge difference in their behavior.
3. Get them involved. Let them "help." Need ideas? Here's a couple; give them a wet rag and ask them to scrub the cabinets, ask them to pick up the toys and turn on some Veggie Tales music, or something fun and upbeat.
4. Take them to the park once a week.
5. Have a quiet time for you and the kids. If you need to, stretch yourself and get up early and enjoy a hot cup of coffee, some tea or whatever you like to drink, make yourself breakfast and read a book, have devotional time, pray, listen to some music. Make time for you. And during the day, have the kids sit down on the couch and play the quiet game. Promise a treat (ice cream, frozen, flavored ice, cookies, or even outside time, or something like that). It'll change the course of the day and change the whole atmosphere.
6. Most important, take time to pray. When the panic attacks start, you find yourself breathing fast and feeling frustrated or angry, just stop what you're doing. Take 2-3 minutes to just relax, pray and reconnect.
7. Breathe. Breathe lots of deep breathes throughout the day. I find myself often shallow breathing and I think it really causes my tension to rise faster than it should.
8. Set aside time to work out a bit. Even if it's a 10-15 minute, YouTube, "Biggest Loser" walk, it'll help your attitude, your outlook and how you feel.
It's important for us moms to be honest with ourselves. It's important to express when we need a break. It's important for us to spend time with our kids. It's important to realize it's ok to be human, fail, have "Snappy Days" and it's also important for us to feel accomplished when we have good days where we have it all together. It's ok to celebrate. It's ok to be frustrated. It's all human emotion.
Let's try to turn our, "Snappy Days" into "Happy Days!"
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Keeping the Cost Down
How many of us like saving money? I do! I almost laugh at the saying, "saving money" though, because my family and I have faced our own set of horrible financial setbacks and over time, I think we've only had 2-3 months that we actually "saved."
But recently, after some personal, private issues, we have found a way to buy a house and own it out right. I prefer to not talk about how this came about, because it is personal and came through an unexpected blessing. So I am now going through ways to save money, now that we won't be paying rent or a mortgage every month. Well, silly me, I realized all the ways I wanted to save money before still apply, but will actually save this time! Here are a few of my ideas.
1. During the mornings/late afternoons in the Fall/Spring, turn the AC off, and open the windows. If it gets kind of warm, turn the fan on. It uses less electricity than the AC unit.
2. Only run the dishwasher every other day and wash most things by hand.
3. Shop at thrift stores. You can get some really nice things there. Even decorations for the house and tons of kids clothes that look like new or almost new.
4. Shop at half priced goods stores, like Aldi or Big Lots, or even dollar stores. They're great for good food, cheaper prices and also, dollar stores are good for trash bags, canned goods, cleaning supplies, birthday party stuff and decorations! I've even gotten good frozen food there.
5. Buy in bulk. Having a Sam's Membership or Costco might be "expensive" up front, because you have to pay for the membership, but save up and get one. You can get a bag of rice (brown rice too!) for around $15 and it'll last for two-three months! Buy a box of canned tomatoes for $4.78. There are typically 6-8 cans per box. Pasta boxes there are cheaper. Sugar, flour, spices, meat even! I find their bags of frozen fruit and veggies are typically a tiny bit cheaper. I don't suggest buying their diapers much, unless they're having a sale.
6. Set a budget and stick with it. But...here's the thing. Always plan for glitches and weird things. For instance, our electricity is typically $80-120 a month. So I always plan for the max of $120. But the past couple of months, our meter has been off and our bill has skyrocketed to over $300 a month! They're sending someone out to fix it, but we still had to pay the bill. So plan for things like that. Expect companies to extort money out of you and give "cut off dates" if you don't pay. So plan for it. We didn't. We nearly drowned in charges like this a couple of different times.
7. You're getting out to run errands and the kids are always begging to get something to drink or eat? Go to Walmart (or discount stores have this too) and buy those bags of chips that are little. You can typically get a huge bag of 18 variety chips for about $6. Then get juice boxes that have those little straws. Those are normally about $4 and have 10-12 per box. Buy pre-wrapped crackers and cookies. Those are around $2.50 each. Then you have snacks. Not healthy, per se, but cheap. You won't be spending $15 stopping at McDonalds for snack wraps, juice boxes and cookies each time. Instead, your kids can have a snack for around $1.25 a piece each time! Worth it. And if you're really into healthy, go shopping at Whole Foods and buy Fruit and Veggies bars (split them in half and share them with the kids) and get organic juice boxes...around $10 for 6. Buy baby carrots and chop up bell peppers into steps. My kids love that! That is cheap as well. Bag them ahead of time and have them ready to go.
8. Leave lights off! If you don't need that room lit up, or not so bright, buy light bulbs that are less watts (we've learned to enjoy our 65 watt light bulbs, even in the living room). Teach your kids to turn the lights off when they leave the bathroom or their room. Open the blinds, and enjoy natural light!
9. Teach your kids to enjoy the simple things of life. We buy the $1 crayons, and the huge pads of colored construction paper for around $2.50 (it has about 50 pages). have "color time." Buy the dollar books from the dollar store. They love them. Teach them that having things isn't what's important. Family, love and fun is. The toys bought at the thrift store are just as good as the ones bought brand new. We've even dug toys we've seen out of the trash that others have thrown away. Nothing wrong with second hand stuff!
10. Make meals that don't require all these intricate spices that cost a lot, or exotic veggies or meats. Or at least don't do that often. Make special meals for special occasions. Try to plan meals that use similar ingredients so you're not buying tons of stuff that will only be half used. If you like variety (which we do, you can still plan pasta meals with the same veggies you might steam later on as a side for a Mexican meal, or things of that sort).
All of this sounds overwhelming but I have found that you can get into the groove after a month or two of working at applying all this. I'm nowhere near perfect, but when it comes to saving money, I will strive my hardest.
Even if you're only setting aside $5 a paycheck for savings, that helps. Every little dollar builds up. Don't look at those little dollars as something that can be spent...look at it Christmas gifts, birthday's, a vacation, safety fund (very important) and things of that sort! And if you have extra money after paying your bills, and buying food, then put it aside in savings. Every penny counts! Then when you have a flat tire, you can change it and not be panicked. When the AC unit goes out, you have money set aside to buy a new one or get it fixed. Etc, etc, etc. It just continues on with things like this. Add in the comments your own money saving ideas!
But recently, after some personal, private issues, we have found a way to buy a house and own it out right. I prefer to not talk about how this came about, because it is personal and came through an unexpected blessing. So I am now going through ways to save money, now that we won't be paying rent or a mortgage every month. Well, silly me, I realized all the ways I wanted to save money before still apply, but will actually save this time! Here are a few of my ideas.
1. During the mornings/late afternoons in the Fall/Spring, turn the AC off, and open the windows. If it gets kind of warm, turn the fan on. It uses less electricity than the AC unit.
2. Only run the dishwasher every other day and wash most things by hand.
3. Shop at thrift stores. You can get some really nice things there. Even decorations for the house and tons of kids clothes that look like new or almost new.
4. Shop at half priced goods stores, like Aldi or Big Lots, or even dollar stores. They're great for good food, cheaper prices and also, dollar stores are good for trash bags, canned goods, cleaning supplies, birthday party stuff and decorations! I've even gotten good frozen food there.
5. Buy in bulk. Having a Sam's Membership or Costco might be "expensive" up front, because you have to pay for the membership, but save up and get one. You can get a bag of rice (brown rice too!) for around $15 and it'll last for two-three months! Buy a box of canned tomatoes for $4.78. There are typically 6-8 cans per box. Pasta boxes there are cheaper. Sugar, flour, spices, meat even! I find their bags of frozen fruit and veggies are typically a tiny bit cheaper. I don't suggest buying their diapers much, unless they're having a sale.
6. Set a budget and stick with it. But...here's the thing. Always plan for glitches and weird things. For instance, our electricity is typically $80-120 a month. So I always plan for the max of $120. But the past couple of months, our meter has been off and our bill has skyrocketed to over $300 a month! They're sending someone out to fix it, but we still had to pay the bill. So plan for things like that. Expect companies to extort money out of you and give "cut off dates" if you don't pay. So plan for it. We didn't. We nearly drowned in charges like this a couple of different times.
7. You're getting out to run errands and the kids are always begging to get something to drink or eat? Go to Walmart (or discount stores have this too) and buy those bags of chips that are little. You can typically get a huge bag of 18 variety chips for about $6. Then get juice boxes that have those little straws. Those are normally about $4 and have 10-12 per box. Buy pre-wrapped crackers and cookies. Those are around $2.50 each. Then you have snacks. Not healthy, per se, but cheap. You won't be spending $15 stopping at McDonalds for snack wraps, juice boxes and cookies each time. Instead, your kids can have a snack for around $1.25 a piece each time! Worth it. And if you're really into healthy, go shopping at Whole Foods and buy Fruit and Veggies bars (split them in half and share them with the kids) and get organic juice boxes...around $10 for 6. Buy baby carrots and chop up bell peppers into steps. My kids love that! That is cheap as well. Bag them ahead of time and have them ready to go.
8. Leave lights off! If you don't need that room lit up, or not so bright, buy light bulbs that are less watts (we've learned to enjoy our 65 watt light bulbs, even in the living room). Teach your kids to turn the lights off when they leave the bathroom or their room. Open the blinds, and enjoy natural light!
9. Teach your kids to enjoy the simple things of life. We buy the $1 crayons, and the huge pads of colored construction paper for around $2.50 (it has about 50 pages). have "color time." Buy the dollar books from the dollar store. They love them. Teach them that having things isn't what's important. Family, love and fun is. The toys bought at the thrift store are just as good as the ones bought brand new. We've even dug toys we've seen out of the trash that others have thrown away. Nothing wrong with second hand stuff!
10. Make meals that don't require all these intricate spices that cost a lot, or exotic veggies or meats. Or at least don't do that often. Make special meals for special occasions. Try to plan meals that use similar ingredients so you're not buying tons of stuff that will only be half used. If you like variety (which we do, you can still plan pasta meals with the same veggies you might steam later on as a side for a Mexican meal, or things of that sort).
All of this sounds overwhelming but I have found that you can get into the groove after a month or two of working at applying all this. I'm nowhere near perfect, but when it comes to saving money, I will strive my hardest.
Even if you're only setting aside $5 a paycheck for savings, that helps. Every little dollar builds up. Don't look at those little dollars as something that can be spent...look at it Christmas gifts, birthday's, a vacation, safety fund (very important) and things of that sort! And if you have extra money after paying your bills, and buying food, then put it aside in savings. Every penny counts! Then when you have a flat tire, you can change it and not be panicked. When the AC unit goes out, you have money set aside to buy a new one or get it fixed. Etc, etc, etc. It just continues on with things like this. Add in the comments your own money saving ideas!
Friday, September 11, 2015
Talking about 9/11 with my Kids
Living in a world that is wrought with so much pain, hurt, debauchery, hate, violence, racism, rights for all, and so on is becoming so complicated to raise kids in. As a mom, I often contemplate how to raise my kids and what the "right way" is. In this day and age, there is so much to figure out and think about. Everyone has an opinion on the wrong way to raise a child and how many right ways there are. But when it comes to soft, tender hearts that our children have, I often wonder how many mistakes I'll make. Many, many, many, I'm sure. But the main thing is that we do our best, right?
Today, as we mark the 14th anniversary of 9/11, a day many of us will never forget, I turned on a "We Remember" video, compiled of significant moments of that day. My children gathered around me while I played it and they had questions. How do you explain the horror of that day to such young hearts? Death isn't something they have much of concept of yet, let alone thousands of lives affected, lost and hurt. As we watched the plane crash into the second building, I was able to explain to my son (who is fascinated with planes) how men's hearts are full of "naughty" things and how they hurt people because they don't love Jesus. We have talked about how, when we love Jesus, we do good things for people, even if they don't love Him. But when our hearts are selfish (like stealing toys from our siblings, or hitting people because we don't like what they did to us), we hurt others with our actions. I explained that these big, grown men don't love Jesus, but how they just wanted to bully others and hurt them. I tried to convert all these grown up things into situations/examples they could understand.
By the time the video was done, my son was quiet and looked at me and said, "Mommy, I wanna do good things. I want to bring big smiley faces to people. Hurting people isn't good." I think he understood. He then told me we should pray for bad men to bring smiley faces instead. I haven't quite touched on the subject of death with him yet. I don't know how to approach that quite yet. But we'll get there...someday.
There are so many things in today's world that we are going to have to confront someday, and we can only take it one step at a time, pray and ask God to guide us and do our best.
Today, as we mark the 14th anniversary of 9/11, a day many of us will never forget, I turned on a "We Remember" video, compiled of significant moments of that day. My children gathered around me while I played it and they had questions. How do you explain the horror of that day to such young hearts? Death isn't something they have much of concept of yet, let alone thousands of lives affected, lost and hurt. As we watched the plane crash into the second building, I was able to explain to my son (who is fascinated with planes) how men's hearts are full of "naughty" things and how they hurt people because they don't love Jesus. We have talked about how, when we love Jesus, we do good things for people, even if they don't love Him. But when our hearts are selfish (like stealing toys from our siblings, or hitting people because we don't like what they did to us), we hurt others with our actions. I explained that these big, grown men don't love Jesus, but how they just wanted to bully others and hurt them. I tried to convert all these grown up things into situations/examples they could understand.
By the time the video was done, my son was quiet and looked at me and said, "Mommy, I wanna do good things. I want to bring big smiley faces to people. Hurting people isn't good." I think he understood. He then told me we should pray for bad men to bring smiley faces instead. I haven't quite touched on the subject of death with him yet. I don't know how to approach that quite yet. But we'll get there...someday.
There are so many things in today's world that we are going to have to confront someday, and we can only take it one step at a time, pray and ask God to guide us and do our best.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Walking a Mile
Have you ever wondered what it was like to live back in Jesus' day, or wished you lived during a time when things seemed simpler? Those things seem to easy to want to "walk a mile" in someone's shoes who lived during those times. But when it comes to hard situations and situations we don't like, we never want to walk a mile in those shoes. Or when it comes to seeing someone's story from the outside, we judge, but in all reality, if we walked a mile in those people's shoes, we'd be happy to go back to our own shoes.
For instance, back when President George Bush was in office, especially during 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, I remember people judging him for his decisions. Some were outraged. Some called him an incompetent leader, one that didn't care, etc. But, although I didn't have a personal behind-the-scenes look at his life and inside knowledge to his life, I had a family member who was. She cleaned his home that is located in mid-Texas, on his Crawford Ranch. At times, he and his wife, Laura, would be there. Once, she was told to go clean his office and she knocked and heard nothing. So she entered with a couple of other girls to clean. She found him kneeling on the carpet, deep in prayer, alone, by himself. This was relatively soon after 9/11 happened. He then asked the girls to pray with him. He told them that so often he didn't know the answer to decisions he needed to make and that praying was his only way to get answers, peace and guidance. He also told them that he wanted prayer, because he knew difference decisions he was making was against popular vote and that he'd be judged. He said he didn't know why God was leading him in certain directions, but that he was going with the peace.
The media, and a portion of America spent their days and nights tearing him apart, but little did they know that behind the scenes, he was desperately seeking God to find a path of peace in his decisions. As the President of the United States of America, I bet half the people sitting around, typing behind screens with all their comments on what a bad job he was doing, wouldn't really want to be in his shoes for even half a mile. Leading a country is probably one of the hardest jobs there is, whether you're a good person or not. Have you noticed how most presidents go into office with regular color hair and come out mostly grey? I would never want to walk in their shoes, unless God called me to it, which He's not. :)
My point is, so often a person will share a story, a thought, a comment, an opinion and we never know how they came to that conclusion. We don't know why they're hurting. We don't understand why they're raising their kids that way. We don't know why they think such and such. The other day, I wrote a blog that was honest with my feelings, rightly or wrongly, on missing friends and things of that sort. For the most part, I received some really good, kind, sensitive responses. Then a few trickled in saying I was selfish, full of wanting pity and needing to "just get over it." I had to call my mom about a few comments, because I was literally shocked by one response. I wasn't sure how to respond. My Mom reminded me that they've never walked a mile in my shoes and didn't know what it was like to lose all your friends you'd had your entire life from age 5-21, nearly 22 years old. Maybe I was having a moment of stress, sadness and frustration. But, most haven't walked a mile in the shoes of those of us who have gone through losing all the friends we have ever known. It's one of those things that people think they understand the situation, yet there is no way they can know except for what is told to them.
So instead of assuming we know everyone's reasoning behind different decisions, let's assume we don't know. I am guilty of this too. I am guilty of thinking, "how on earth do they think that's ok?" or "why do they do that or say that?" when in all reality, I am thinking from the shoes that I've walked in my entire life, not their shoes. And if you want to walk a mile in their shoes, realize you'll probably never really understand. You'll never know how many nights they laid awake, crying, praying and asking God for guidance. You'll never know the hard decisions they had to make to get them where they're at. You'll never know the pain they hold from making those decisions, or the attacks they've gotten for it. All of us have struggles. All of us have pain. All of us have stories and journeys and no one knows better than we do the amount of struggle we've gone through. So let's determine to love, not judge. Lift up, not put down. And don't say anything if you can't say something nice! :) Always a good, golden rule!!!
For instance, back when President George Bush was in office, especially during 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, I remember people judging him for his decisions. Some were outraged. Some called him an incompetent leader, one that didn't care, etc. But, although I didn't have a personal behind-the-scenes look at his life and inside knowledge to his life, I had a family member who was. She cleaned his home that is located in mid-Texas, on his Crawford Ranch. At times, he and his wife, Laura, would be there. Once, she was told to go clean his office and she knocked and heard nothing. So she entered with a couple of other girls to clean. She found him kneeling on the carpet, deep in prayer, alone, by himself. This was relatively soon after 9/11 happened. He then asked the girls to pray with him. He told them that so often he didn't know the answer to decisions he needed to make and that praying was his only way to get answers, peace and guidance. He also told them that he wanted prayer, because he knew difference decisions he was making was against popular vote and that he'd be judged. He said he didn't know why God was leading him in certain directions, but that he was going with the peace.
The media, and a portion of America spent their days and nights tearing him apart, but little did they know that behind the scenes, he was desperately seeking God to find a path of peace in his decisions. As the President of the United States of America, I bet half the people sitting around, typing behind screens with all their comments on what a bad job he was doing, wouldn't really want to be in his shoes for even half a mile. Leading a country is probably one of the hardest jobs there is, whether you're a good person or not. Have you noticed how most presidents go into office with regular color hair and come out mostly grey? I would never want to walk in their shoes, unless God called me to it, which He's not. :)
My point is, so often a person will share a story, a thought, a comment, an opinion and we never know how they came to that conclusion. We don't know why they're hurting. We don't understand why they're raising their kids that way. We don't know why they think such and such. The other day, I wrote a blog that was honest with my feelings, rightly or wrongly, on missing friends and things of that sort. For the most part, I received some really good, kind, sensitive responses. Then a few trickled in saying I was selfish, full of wanting pity and needing to "just get over it." I had to call my mom about a few comments, because I was literally shocked by one response. I wasn't sure how to respond. My Mom reminded me that they've never walked a mile in my shoes and didn't know what it was like to lose all your friends you'd had your entire life from age 5-21, nearly 22 years old. Maybe I was having a moment of stress, sadness and frustration. But, most haven't walked a mile in the shoes of those of us who have gone through losing all the friends we have ever known. It's one of those things that people think they understand the situation, yet there is no way they can know except for what is told to them.
So instead of assuming we know everyone's reasoning behind different decisions, let's assume we don't know. I am guilty of this too. I am guilty of thinking, "how on earth do they think that's ok?" or "why do they do that or say that?" when in all reality, I am thinking from the shoes that I've walked in my entire life, not their shoes. And if you want to walk a mile in their shoes, realize you'll probably never really understand. You'll never know how many nights they laid awake, crying, praying and asking God for guidance. You'll never know the hard decisions they had to make to get them where they're at. You'll never know the pain they hold from making those decisions, or the attacks they've gotten for it. All of us have struggles. All of us have pain. All of us have stories and journeys and no one knows better than we do the amount of struggle we've gone through. So let's determine to love, not judge. Lift up, not put down. And don't say anything if you can't say something nice! :) Always a good, golden rule!!!
Saturday, August 29, 2015
A Glimpse into My Past (with Pictures!)
This is going to be a brutally honest post here.
I just want family. I want to be accepted. I want to be invited to things. I want people to think of me. I feel like I have spent my entire life pouring myself out, reaching out to others, serving, loving on and accepting others only to in turn, get slapped in the face over and over by people deliberately leaving me out of their lives. What do I need to do? Am I just stupid? Am I dumb? Why the heck is it that I am left out of family and friend's life, when they know my heart is just aching for them to want me too?
It hurts. It hurts to see pictures of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, conferences, get togethers, etc, and know that I could have been there, making friends, loving on others. I don't want to suck the life out of people. I want to add to their lives. I want to give to them. I want to bless and love them. But no one gives me a chance.
Last night, I scrolled through pictures of my old church and cried until my chest hurt. I questioned my sanity on leaving there. I questioned why God called me out. I questioned every aspect of my life since that fateful moment of leaving Homestead Heritage. I questioned every single thought and action I've taken as I moved away from the life I loved and enjoyed. I even wrote my dad and told him I must have a psychological issue, because I'm like a dog to it's vomit. I keep returning to open up the old wounds of leaving my friends; Hailey, Krista, Susanna, Mickey, Tiffany, Regina, Joy, Julaine, Rebekah, and so many, many, many others! I keep mulling over the memories of choir, orchestra, volley ball, baby showers, bridal showers, quilting parties, dinners, get togethers, FUN!
Suddenly it dawned on me. There, I was accepted. There, I was loved. There, I found happiness. Out here in the world? It's full of cold people. People who just focus on their own selves and their little established circle of friends. They hold on to petty offenses. They don't care one damn about other people. They believe lies. They spread rumors. They refuse to forgive and forget. They turn others against me. Yeah, some people at my old church do the same...and have done the same and are still doing the same. But I know their reasoning. I understand why. And if they weren't under the power of the blackest demonic cloud ever, they would never consider being that way out here.
So no wonder I hold onto the past. No wonder I feel as if I'm living in a dream and just coping out here. It's all a bad nightmare and someday I'll wake up and have all my friends back, right? Nope. I just want to fit in. I just want to have friends. I just want people to enjoy me being their friend. But so far, I've not found a single soul out here that has room for me. Coping is hard. Coping sends people over the edge. Coping makes people crazy. Coping is just existence because they have to.
I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired. Tired. TIRED. My heart stays crushed. I smile because I need to. I smile because I'm raising kids that need a mama. I smile because if anyone saw the pain that ran so deep in my veins, I'm pretty sure I'd scare every single person away. Oh wait! I forgot. I already scared everyone away. Gotta just hold on, because I have four little lives to love and care for. I have a husband who loves me...thank God for him. I have parents that know what I'm going through...thank God for them. I can only hope someday, somewhere, this cavern in my heart will be filled and that God leads me somewhere that has people who care, who love, who accept. I hope He leads me somewhere that has people that will allow me to grow, say stupid things, forgive and move on, and help me mature. I feel like I'm stuck back where my life ended...at 16 years old. I feel like I am a 28 year old in a 16 year old's body. I pray that God finds me friends who will allow me to make mistakes and help me grow through them, instead of pushing me out when the going gets rough. Maybe someday, I'll feel my age and be emotionally mature. But right now, that's not where I'm at. I'm a hurting, scared, scarred, bleeding soul that just needs love and acceptance. I know God says He fulfills all the needs, but He created humans to help with that. That's why I want friends, family, sister in laws, cousins, nieces and nephews,...love.
Here's a collage of my past...see, I did have friends. Unlike what I've been accused of, in the past, of being "unlovable" and "so disrespectful that no one would ever want to be my friend...." etc. (Ps. the people saying that had literally never even had dinner with me, or even had coffee with me, to know the slightest bit about me).
I just want family. I want to be accepted. I want to be invited to things. I want people to think of me. I feel like I have spent my entire life pouring myself out, reaching out to others, serving, loving on and accepting others only to in turn, get slapped in the face over and over by people deliberately leaving me out of their lives. What do I need to do? Am I just stupid? Am I dumb? Why the heck is it that I am left out of family and friend's life, when they know my heart is just aching for them to want me too?
It hurts. It hurts to see pictures of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, conferences, get togethers, etc, and know that I could have been there, making friends, loving on others. I don't want to suck the life out of people. I want to add to their lives. I want to give to them. I want to bless and love them. But no one gives me a chance.
Last night, I scrolled through pictures of my old church and cried until my chest hurt. I questioned my sanity on leaving there. I questioned why God called me out. I questioned every aspect of my life since that fateful moment of leaving Homestead Heritage. I questioned every single thought and action I've taken as I moved away from the life I loved and enjoyed. I even wrote my dad and told him I must have a psychological issue, because I'm like a dog to it's vomit. I keep returning to open up the old wounds of leaving my friends; Hailey, Krista, Susanna, Mickey, Tiffany, Regina, Joy, Julaine, Rebekah, and so many, many, many others! I keep mulling over the memories of choir, orchestra, volley ball, baby showers, bridal showers, quilting parties, dinners, get togethers, FUN!
Suddenly it dawned on me. There, I was accepted. There, I was loved. There, I found happiness. Out here in the world? It's full of cold people. People who just focus on their own selves and their little established circle of friends. They hold on to petty offenses. They don't care one damn about other people. They believe lies. They spread rumors. They refuse to forgive and forget. They turn others against me. Yeah, some people at my old church do the same...and have done the same and are still doing the same. But I know their reasoning. I understand why. And if they weren't under the power of the blackest demonic cloud ever, they would never consider being that way out here.
So no wonder I hold onto the past. No wonder I feel as if I'm living in a dream and just coping out here. It's all a bad nightmare and someday I'll wake up and have all my friends back, right? Nope. I just want to fit in. I just want to have friends. I just want people to enjoy me being their friend. But so far, I've not found a single soul out here that has room for me. Coping is hard. Coping sends people over the edge. Coping makes people crazy. Coping is just existence because they have to.
I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired. Tired. TIRED. My heart stays crushed. I smile because I need to. I smile because I'm raising kids that need a mama. I smile because if anyone saw the pain that ran so deep in my veins, I'm pretty sure I'd scare every single person away. Oh wait! I forgot. I already scared everyone away. Gotta just hold on, because I have four little lives to love and care for. I have a husband who loves me...thank God for him. I have parents that know what I'm going through...thank God for them. I can only hope someday, somewhere, this cavern in my heart will be filled and that God leads me somewhere that has people who care, who love, who accept. I hope He leads me somewhere that has people that will allow me to grow, say stupid things, forgive and move on, and help me mature. I feel like I'm stuck back where my life ended...at 16 years old. I feel like I am a 28 year old in a 16 year old's body. I pray that God finds me friends who will allow me to make mistakes and help me grow through them, instead of pushing me out when the going gets rough. Maybe someday, I'll feel my age and be emotionally mature. But right now, that's not where I'm at. I'm a hurting, scared, scarred, bleeding soul that just needs love and acceptance. I know God says He fulfills all the needs, but He created humans to help with that. That's why I want friends, family, sister in laws, cousins, nieces and nephews,...love.
Here's a collage of my past...see, I did have friends. Unlike what I've been accused of, in the past, of being "unlovable" and "so disrespectful that no one would ever want to be my friend...." etc. (Ps. the people saying that had literally never even had dinner with me, or even had coffee with me, to know the slightest bit about me).
At my 17th birthday party with a handful of my friends.
Elizabeth and me
My Dad and I working with the tiller to get the Spring garden going!
Still trying to get the tiller started!
Cousins! Miss Thanksgivings and Christmas' with them.
Rachel and her niece.
Little Kids Choir practice!
Being normal in this picture.
Playing the piano for Little Kids Choir!
Best friend, Joy. Miss her like crazzzyyyy!
Working on the quilt for the Cronin's Anniversary.
My birthday party at age 21.
21st birthday celebration!
More of the quilt!
Birthday!
Birthday!
Quilting time!
Quilting time!
More quilting time!
Mom and me.
Happy! See that face? I was happy. HAPPY. Miss those days.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Rejection and Encouragement
In life, we all face rejection at some point. It ranges from the schoolhouse yard, to our families, to friends, to jobs, etc. Rejection happens. So what do we do when we face rejection? Well, speaking from personal experience, I have to say a lot of times I curl up in anger, frustration, confusion and bitterness. I'm not a good example of what you should do. But lately, as I've worked at coming out of my own shell, to reach out to others, I have had to search within my heart to discover what the best route I should take to overcome rejection.
I will give a small list and then expound on them, in hopes this helps someone, as I am trying to help myself.
1. When rejection comes, focus on how you can bless someone else.
2. Get your mind off of yourself and onto someone else
3. Pray for the person who is doing the rejecting
4. Search your heart to see if you offended them and make it right if you have.
5. Remember that it is their problem, not yours, that they're rejecting you. Especially if you've done all you can to make things right.
I want to stop right here and remind everyone that Jesus faced rejection.
John 15:18 says, "If the world hates you, remember that the world hated Me before it hated you."
Isaiah 53: 3 says, "He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not."
John 1:11 says, "He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him."
Psalm 118:22 says, "The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone."
There are many other scriptures to show that Jesus faced rejection, but I never read about Him responding in a vile way, offended or hurt. Instead, we read about Him reaching out to people and loving on them. He met people where they were and He told us to forgive. We are human and it is only natural for us to have human feelings. It is only natural for us to feel the sting of rejection. It is only natural to feel hurt. But it's the reaction to that sting and hurt that is what's important. Do we lash out, snap at people, go on a deleting spree on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, get bitter and angry?
I'm not one to be talking about all this, because I have been the worst at getting offended and blocking/deleting people. In the past couple of years, I've done a lot better at not flying off the handle and getting offended with harsh reactions. But I've been on the other side of being deleted and blocked for who knows what reasons. For some reason, being blocked and deleted really hurts, especially when you have no idea why. Or even more weirdly, when people accept your husband, but not you. Or when you haven't even followed/become friends with someone and you go to look for them and find they've purposely gone to look for you to just block you. Whaaaattttt??!! A lot of times, I think the people who get blocked (me!) are the ones who are a bit more outspoken. Sometimes I post things I shouldn't. Sometimes I get more fired up than I should. And sometimes I'm just struggling with something and people think one of two things. One, being that I'm talking about them. (This is for another post to expound on, but I'll say this, if you think I'm talking about you, then your conscience is probably bothering you about something). Or two, I've been judgmental and hurtful and you don't want to deal with it. (Your right completely!) For instance, I posted something the other day on my Twitter, as I have some followers on there that have kept up with my story on leaving Homestead Heritage. Previous blog posts speak more on that subject, if you're interested. But I had posted on there that Christianity and pushing family/friends aside because of petty offenses seemed hypocritical and sad. I said that not caring about family because of religious beliefs really seemed wrong (paraphrased). Next thing I know, another set of friends/family thought I was talking about them. Blahhhh. Sometimes I don't think before I post, which is something I am really working on. I try to think before I post, but sometimes, as humans do, I get frustrated and say/type things before thinking about how this might affect different parties.
Then there are the many reasons us moms go through offenses, ranging from formula feeding and breastfeeding, rear facing and forward facing, vaccinations and no vaccinations, organic or regular, vegetarian or carnivorous, and so on. Oh my! The Mommy Wars (as I like to call them) can certainly become heated. People lose friends over it! Literally! I mean, come on ladies! The end result is always the same...hurt feelings, crazy crying and tons of deleting! And on top of that, we all want the same thing; the best for our kids. There are always two sides to things and putting people down for their way of parenting and doing things doesn't help matters.
So I guess the bottom line with this is saying, rejection happens. It happens purposely and not purposely. It happens because people aren't sensitive, or they're outspoken, fiery red-heads like me. I just want to encourage you that when you face it, or you're the cause of it, you can overcome! Like I said at the beginning of the blog post, turn the focus off of yourself and look at how you can bless the person you offended. Pray for them. Ask God to bless them. Do what you can to make things right. And try to think before you post, text or speak! Work hard at loving everyone, no matter what. Your life will change and you'll be able to reach so many more people by not holding onto petty offenses and blocking/deleting everyone out of your life!
I hope the blog posts encourage you, because I try to be brutally honest with how human I am. I am always encouraged when I read others post of their downfalls and how they gain victory. I want to be an encouragement and give you a boost to your day! <3
I will give a small list and then expound on them, in hopes this helps someone, as I am trying to help myself.
1. When rejection comes, focus on how you can bless someone else.
2. Get your mind off of yourself and onto someone else
3. Pray for the person who is doing the rejecting
4. Search your heart to see if you offended them and make it right if you have.
5. Remember that it is their problem, not yours, that they're rejecting you. Especially if you've done all you can to make things right.
I want to stop right here and remind everyone that Jesus faced rejection.
John 15:18 says, "If the world hates you, remember that the world hated Me before it hated you."
Isaiah 53: 3 says, "He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not."
John 1:11 says, "He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him."
Psalm 118:22 says, "The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone."
There are many other scriptures to show that Jesus faced rejection, but I never read about Him responding in a vile way, offended or hurt. Instead, we read about Him reaching out to people and loving on them. He met people where they were and He told us to forgive. We are human and it is only natural for us to have human feelings. It is only natural for us to feel the sting of rejection. It is only natural to feel hurt. But it's the reaction to that sting and hurt that is what's important. Do we lash out, snap at people, go on a deleting spree on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, get bitter and angry?
I'm not one to be talking about all this, because I have been the worst at getting offended and blocking/deleting people. In the past couple of years, I've done a lot better at not flying off the handle and getting offended with harsh reactions. But I've been on the other side of being deleted and blocked for who knows what reasons. For some reason, being blocked and deleted really hurts, especially when you have no idea why. Or even more weirdly, when people accept your husband, but not you. Or when you haven't even followed/become friends with someone and you go to look for them and find they've purposely gone to look for you to just block you. Whaaaattttt??!! A lot of times, I think the people who get blocked (me!) are the ones who are a bit more outspoken. Sometimes I post things I shouldn't. Sometimes I get more fired up than I should. And sometimes I'm just struggling with something and people think one of two things. One, being that I'm talking about them. (This is for another post to expound on, but I'll say this, if you think I'm talking about you, then your conscience is probably bothering you about something). Or two, I've been judgmental and hurtful and you don't want to deal with it. (Your right completely!) For instance, I posted something the other day on my Twitter, as I have some followers on there that have kept up with my story on leaving Homestead Heritage. Previous blog posts speak more on that subject, if you're interested. But I had posted on there that Christianity and pushing family/friends aside because of petty offenses seemed hypocritical and sad. I said that not caring about family because of religious beliefs really seemed wrong (paraphrased). Next thing I know, another set of friends/family thought I was talking about them. Blahhhh. Sometimes I don't think before I post, which is something I am really working on. I try to think before I post, but sometimes, as humans do, I get frustrated and say/type things before thinking about how this might affect different parties.
Then there are the many reasons us moms go through offenses, ranging from formula feeding and breastfeeding, rear facing and forward facing, vaccinations and no vaccinations, organic or regular, vegetarian or carnivorous, and so on. Oh my! The Mommy Wars (as I like to call them) can certainly become heated. People lose friends over it! Literally! I mean, come on ladies! The end result is always the same...hurt feelings, crazy crying and tons of deleting! And on top of that, we all want the same thing; the best for our kids. There are always two sides to things and putting people down for their way of parenting and doing things doesn't help matters.
So I guess the bottom line with this is saying, rejection happens. It happens purposely and not purposely. It happens because people aren't sensitive, or they're outspoken, fiery red-heads like me. I just want to encourage you that when you face it, or you're the cause of it, you can overcome! Like I said at the beginning of the blog post, turn the focus off of yourself and look at how you can bless the person you offended. Pray for them. Ask God to bless them. Do what you can to make things right. And try to think before you post, text or speak! Work hard at loving everyone, no matter what. Your life will change and you'll be able to reach so many more people by not holding onto petty offenses and blocking/deleting everyone out of your life!
I hope the blog posts encourage you, because I try to be brutally honest with how human I am. I am always encouraged when I read others post of their downfalls and how they gain victory. I want to be an encouragement and give you a boost to your day! <3
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Pushing Beyond Our Limits
The other day I commented on a prominent women leader's post on Instagram about how I felt a lot of women were judged, left out, forgotten (purposely and inadvertently) and so on. I don't really remember what prompted me to say what I did, but I remember feeling disturbed and commented out of that frustration.
I am speaking from experience. I have been through a lot with people in the "Christian world." I have felt left out, pushed out, forgotten and stomped on. I know it happens to others as well. I have several friends who either don't go to church because of the hurt they've experienced, or they go because they feel it's the only thing left for them to do. So when I commented on this women leaders page, I was posting out of hurt and frustration. Imagine my surprise when she took the time to respond to me! She told me to use the hurt and frustration as a foundation for finding other women who have been hurt the same as me and to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance for them. In other words, she was saying to step out of my shell and find a place of ministry and love for others and there, I would find healing and grace.
I have wanted to reach women of all ages, including teens since I was about 15 years old. When the dream was born into my heart to minister to women, I had absolutely no way of accomplishing that with the situation I was in. (Another story for another day). I was 15 years old and I was flying out to California to be with family. I was landing at LAX and as we were flying over the city, I was looking out of the window, excited to be in such a big, unique city. My thoughts were on vacation and having fun when all of a sudden I found myself choked up, full of emotion and it was almost like an audible voice said, "This is your city. This is where I am calling you. This is your ministry." It has never been confirmed by anyone in the Christian world. I won't claim to say it was God, but I will say I have a strong feeling it was. I see a picture of LA and my heart wells up with longing to be there, to walk the streets and reach people, teens, girls, and share hope, love and acceptance.
So what is the first step to getting there? Well, I have a lot of things to overcome. First of all, getting really real here, I have an anxiety disorder. I have PTSD. I have chronic panic attacks. I can't even go into the grocery store without my husband or kids there because I have some unrealistic fear of having to hand my credit card to the cashier and having to talk to them. If I go by myself, I keep my eyes to myself, I fast-walk through the entire store and finish as fast I can, then I go to the self check. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I'm out. I go to church gatherings and stand in the back, leave as the last song is complete and rush out without making eye contact. Talking terrifies me. But how can I minister if I don't reach out, have relationships and step out of my comfort zone? How can I do what God has called me to without pushing myself to do things I'm scared of? I bet every Olympian feels pushed, tired, strained, pulled beyond their limits to get where they're at. I bet every Christian leader that has an impact on the world has had to overcome obstacles in their lives. I bet anyone who has done anything with their lives beyond the mundane has had to push themselves to do things they'd never do to get where they're at. God wants to use our limitations to show us how big He is. He wants to use the flawed so His perfection can be glorified. He wants to use the sick to show His healing powers. He wants to use the scared so His boldness can be used. He uses imperfect people to reach an imperfect world in an incredibly perfect way.
So here is to being scared, having anxiety, unsure of the future, and panic attacks. Here's to my imperfections and the knowledge and hope that He will use this flawed vessel to express His love, to minister to His girls and to make a difference in a tired, worn out, exhausted, hurting, flawed world. Here is to being undaunted, unstoppable, a Lioness compelled by Love.
I am speaking from experience. I have been through a lot with people in the "Christian world." I have felt left out, pushed out, forgotten and stomped on. I know it happens to others as well. I have several friends who either don't go to church because of the hurt they've experienced, or they go because they feel it's the only thing left for them to do. So when I commented on this women leaders page, I was posting out of hurt and frustration. Imagine my surprise when she took the time to respond to me! She told me to use the hurt and frustration as a foundation for finding other women who have been hurt the same as me and to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance for them. In other words, she was saying to step out of my shell and find a place of ministry and love for others and there, I would find healing and grace.
I have wanted to reach women of all ages, including teens since I was about 15 years old. When the dream was born into my heart to minister to women, I had absolutely no way of accomplishing that with the situation I was in. (Another story for another day). I was 15 years old and I was flying out to California to be with family. I was landing at LAX and as we were flying over the city, I was looking out of the window, excited to be in such a big, unique city. My thoughts were on vacation and having fun when all of a sudden I found myself choked up, full of emotion and it was almost like an audible voice said, "This is your city. This is where I am calling you. This is your ministry." It has never been confirmed by anyone in the Christian world. I won't claim to say it was God, but I will say I have a strong feeling it was. I see a picture of LA and my heart wells up with longing to be there, to walk the streets and reach people, teens, girls, and share hope, love and acceptance.
So what is the first step to getting there? Well, I have a lot of things to overcome. First of all, getting really real here, I have an anxiety disorder. I have PTSD. I have chronic panic attacks. I can't even go into the grocery store without my husband or kids there because I have some unrealistic fear of having to hand my credit card to the cashier and having to talk to them. If I go by myself, I keep my eyes to myself, I fast-walk through the entire store and finish as fast I can, then I go to the self check. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I'm out. I go to church gatherings and stand in the back, leave as the last song is complete and rush out without making eye contact. Talking terrifies me. But how can I minister if I don't reach out, have relationships and step out of my comfort zone? How can I do what God has called me to without pushing myself to do things I'm scared of? I bet every Olympian feels pushed, tired, strained, pulled beyond their limits to get where they're at. I bet every Christian leader that has an impact on the world has had to overcome obstacles in their lives. I bet anyone who has done anything with their lives beyond the mundane has had to push themselves to do things they'd never do to get where they're at. God wants to use our limitations to show us how big He is. He wants to use the flawed so His perfection can be glorified. He wants to use the sick to show His healing powers. He wants to use the scared so His boldness can be used. He uses imperfect people to reach an imperfect world in an incredibly perfect way.
So here is to being scared, having anxiety, unsure of the future, and panic attacks. Here's to my imperfections and the knowledge and hope that He will use this flawed vessel to express His love, to minister to His girls and to make a difference in a tired, worn out, exhausted, hurting, flawed world. Here is to being undaunted, unstoppable, a Lioness compelled by Love.
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