A Glimpse into My Past (with Pictures!)

This is going to be a brutally honest post here.

I just want family. I want to be accepted. I want to be invited to things. I want people to think of me. I feel like I have spent my entire life pouring myself out, reaching out to others, serving, loving on and accepting others only to in turn, get slapped in the face over and over by people deliberately leaving me out of their lives. What do I need to do? Am I just stupid? Am I dumb? Why the heck is it that I am left out of family and friend's life, when they know my heart is just aching for them to want me too?

It hurts. It hurts to see pictures of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, conferences, get togethers, etc, and know that I could have been there, making friends, loving on others. I don't want to suck the life out of people. I want to add to their lives. I want to give to them. I want to bless and love them. But no one gives me a chance.

Last night, I scrolled through pictures of my old church and cried until my chest hurt. I questioned my sanity on leaving there. I questioned why God called me out. I questioned every aspect of my life since that fateful moment of leaving Homestead Heritage. I questioned every single thought and action I've taken as I moved away from the life I loved and enjoyed. I even wrote my dad and told him I must have a psychological issue, because I'm like a dog to it's vomit. I keep returning to open up the old wounds of leaving my friends; Hailey, Krista, Susanna, Mickey, Tiffany, Regina, Joy, Julaine, Rebekah, and so many, many, many others! I keep mulling over the memories of choir, orchestra, volley ball, baby showers, bridal showers, quilting parties, dinners, get togethers, FUN!

Suddenly it dawned on me. There, I was accepted. There, I was loved. There, I found happiness. Out here in the world? It's full of cold people. People who just focus on their own selves and their little established circle of friends. They hold on to petty offenses. They don't care one damn about other people. They believe lies. They spread rumors. They refuse to forgive and forget. They turn others against me. Yeah, some people at my old church do the same...and have done the same and are still doing the same. But I know their reasoning. I understand why. And if they weren't under the power of the blackest demonic cloud ever, they would never consider being that way out here.

So no wonder I hold onto the past. No wonder I feel as if I'm living in a dream and just coping out here. It's all a bad nightmare and someday I'll wake up and have all my friends back, right? Nope. I just want to fit in. I just want to have friends. I just want people to enjoy me being their friend. But so far, I've not found a single soul out here that has room for me. Coping is hard. Coping sends people over the edge. Coping makes people crazy. Coping is just existence because they have to.

I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired. Tired. TIRED. My heart stays crushed. I smile because I need to. I smile because I'm raising kids that need a mama. I smile because if anyone saw the pain that ran so deep in my veins, I'm pretty sure I'd scare every single person away. Oh wait! I forgot. I already scared everyone away. Gotta just hold on, because I have four little lives to love and care for. I have a husband who loves me...thank God for him. I have parents that know what I'm going through...thank God for them. I can only hope someday, somewhere, this cavern in my heart will be filled and that God leads me somewhere that has people who care, who love, who accept. I hope He leads me somewhere that has people that will allow me to grow, say stupid things, forgive and move on, and help me mature. I feel like I'm stuck back where my life ended...at 16 years old. I feel like I am a 28 year old in a 16 year old's body. I pray that God finds me friends who will allow me to make mistakes and help me grow through them, instead of pushing me out when the going gets rough. Maybe someday, I'll feel my age and be emotionally mature. But right now, that's not where I'm at. I'm a hurting, scared, scarred, bleeding soul that just needs love and acceptance. I know God says He fulfills all the needs, but He created humans to help with that. That's why I want friends, family, sister in laws, cousins, nieces and nephews,...love.

Here's a collage of my past...see, I did have friends. Unlike what I've been accused of, in the past, of being "unlovable" and "so disrespectful that no one would ever want to be my friend...." etc. (Ps. the people saying that had literally never even had dinner with me, or even had coffee with me, to know the slightest bit about me).

 At my 17th birthday party with a handful of my friends.

 Elizabeth and me

 My Dad and I working with the tiller to get the Spring garden going!

 Still trying to get the tiller started!

 Cousins! Miss Thanksgivings and Christmas' with them.

 Rachel and her niece.

 Little Kids Choir practice!

 Being normal in this picture.

 Playing the piano for Little Kids Choir!

 Best friend, Joy. Miss her like crazzzyyyy!

 Working on the quilt for the Cronin's Anniversary.

 My birthday party at age 21.

 21st birthday celebration!

 More of the quilt!

 Birthday!

 Birthday!

 Quilting time!

 Quilting time!

 More quilting time!

 Mom and me.

 Happy! See that face? I was happy. HAPPY. Miss those days.

Rejection and Encouragement

In life, we all face rejection at some point. It ranges from the schoolhouse yard, to our families, to friends, to jobs, etc. Rejection happens. So what do we do when we face rejection? Well, speaking from personal experience, I have to say a lot of times I curl up in anger, frustration, confusion and bitterness. I'm not a good example of what you should do. But lately, as I've worked at coming out of my own shell, to reach out to others, I have had to search within my heart to discover what the best route I should take to overcome rejection.

I will give a small list and then expound on them, in hopes this helps someone, as I am trying to help myself.

1. When rejection comes, focus on how you can bless someone else.
2. Get your mind off of yourself and onto someone else
3. Pray for the person who is doing the rejecting
4. Search your heart to see if you offended them and make it right if you have.
5. Remember that it is their problem, not yours, that they're rejecting you. Especially if you've done all you can to make things right.

I want to stop right here and remind everyone that Jesus faced rejection.

John  15:18 says, "If the world hates you, remember that the world hated Me before it hated you."

Isaiah 53: 3 says, "He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not."

John 1:11 says, "He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him."

Psalm 118:22 says, "The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone."

There are many other scriptures to show that Jesus faced rejection, but I never read about Him responding in a vile way, offended or hurt. Instead, we read about Him reaching out to people and loving on them. He met people where they were and He told us to forgive. We are human and it is only natural for us to have human feelings. It is only natural for us to feel the sting of rejection. It is only natural to feel hurt. But it's the reaction to that sting and hurt that is what's important. Do we lash out, snap at people, go on a deleting spree on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, get bitter and angry?

I'm not one to be talking about all this, because I have been the worst at getting offended and blocking/deleting people. In the past couple of years, I've done a lot better at not flying off the handle and getting offended with harsh reactions. But I've been on the other side of being deleted and blocked for who knows what reasons. For some reason, being blocked and deleted really hurts, especially when you have no idea why. Or even more weirdly, when people accept your husband, but not you. Or when you haven't even followed/become friends with someone and you go to look for them and find they've purposely gone to look for you to just block you. Whaaaattttt??!! A lot of times, I think the people who get blocked (me!) are the ones who are a bit more outspoken. Sometimes I post things I shouldn't. Sometimes I get more fired up than I should. And sometimes I'm just struggling with something and people think one of two things. One, being that I'm talking about them. (This is for another post to expound on, but I'll say this, if you think I'm talking about you, then your conscience is probably bothering you about something). Or two, I've been judgmental and hurtful and you don't want to deal with it. (Your right completely!) For instance, I posted something the other day on my Twitter, as I have some followers on there that have kept up with my story on leaving Homestead Heritage. Previous blog posts speak more on that subject, if you're interested. But I had posted on there that Christianity and pushing family/friends aside because of petty offenses seemed hypocritical and sad. I said that not caring about family because of religious beliefs really seemed wrong (paraphrased). Next thing I know, another set of friends/family thought I was talking about them. Blahhhh. Sometimes I don't think before I post, which is something I am really working on. I try to think before I post, but sometimes, as humans do, I get frustrated and say/type things before thinking about how this might affect different parties.

Then there are the many reasons us moms go through offenses, ranging from formula feeding and breastfeeding, rear facing and forward facing, vaccinations and no vaccinations, organic or regular, vegetarian or carnivorous, and so on. Oh my! The Mommy Wars (as I like to call them) can certainly become heated. People lose friends over it! Literally! I mean, come on ladies! The end result is always the same...hurt feelings, crazy crying and tons of deleting! And on top of that, we all want the same thing; the best for our kids. There are always two sides to things and putting people down for their way of parenting and doing things doesn't help matters.

So I guess the bottom line with this is saying, rejection happens. It happens purposely and not purposely. It happens because people aren't sensitive, or they're outspoken, fiery red-heads like me. I just want to encourage you that when you face it, or you're the cause of it, you can overcome! Like I said at the beginning of the blog post, turn the focus off of yourself and look at how you can bless the person you offended. Pray for them. Ask God to bless them. Do what you can to make things right. And try to think before you post, text or speak! Work hard at loving everyone, no matter what. Your life will change and you'll be able to reach so many more people by not holding onto petty offenses and blocking/deleting everyone out of your life!

I hope the blog posts encourage you, because I try to be brutally honest with how human I am. I am always encouraged when I read others post of their downfalls and how they gain victory. I want to be an encouragement and give you a boost to your day! <3

Pushing Beyond Our Limits

The other day I commented on a prominent women leader's post on Instagram about how I felt a lot of women were judged, left out, forgotten (purposely and inadvertently) and so on. I don't really remember what prompted me to say what I did, but I remember feeling disturbed and commented out of that frustration.

I am speaking from experience. I have been through a lot with people in the "Christian world." I have felt left out, pushed out, forgotten and stomped on. I know it happens to others as well. I have several friends who either don't go to church because of the hurt they've experienced, or they go because they feel it's the only thing left for them to do. So when I commented on this women leaders page, I was posting out of hurt and frustration. Imagine my surprise when she took the time to respond to me! She told me to use the hurt and frustration as a foundation for finding other women who have been hurt the same as me and to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance for them. In other words, she was saying to step out of my shell and find a place of ministry and love for others and there, I would find healing and grace.

I have wanted to reach women of all ages, including teens since I was about 15 years old. When the dream was born into my heart to minister to women, I had absolutely no way of accomplishing that with the situation I was in. (Another story for another day). I was 15 years old and I was flying out to California to be with family. I was landing at LAX and as we were flying over the city, I was looking out of the window, excited to be in such a big, unique city. My thoughts were on vacation and having fun when all of a sudden I found myself choked up, full of emotion and it was almost like an audible voice said, "This is your city. This is where I am calling you. This is your ministry." It has never been confirmed  by anyone in the Christian world. I won't claim to say it was God, but I will say I have a strong feeling it was. I see a picture of LA and my heart wells up with longing to be there, to walk the streets and reach people, teens, girls, and share hope, love and acceptance.

So what is the first step to getting there? Well, I have a lot of things to overcome. First of all, getting really real here, I have an anxiety disorder. I have PTSD. I have chronic panic attacks. I can't even go into the grocery store without my husband or kids there because I have some unrealistic fear of having to hand my credit card to the cashier and having to talk to them. If I go by myself, I keep my eyes to myself, I fast-walk through the entire store and finish as fast I can, then I go to the self check. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I'm out. I go to church gatherings and stand in the back, leave as the last song is complete and rush out without making eye contact. Talking terrifies me. But how can I minister if I don't reach out, have relationships and step out of my comfort zone? How can I do what God has called me to without pushing myself to do things I'm scared of? I bet every Olympian feels pushed, tired, strained, pulled beyond their limits to get where they're at. I bet every Christian leader that has an impact on the world has had to overcome obstacles in their lives. I bet anyone who has done anything with their lives beyond the mundane has had to push themselves to do things they'd never do to get where they're at. God wants to use our limitations to show us how big He is. He wants to use the flawed so His perfection can be glorified. He wants to use the sick to show His healing powers. He wants to use the scared so His boldness can be used. He uses imperfect people to reach an imperfect world in an incredibly perfect way.

So here is to being scared, having anxiety, unsure of the future, and panic attacks. Here's to my imperfections and the knowledge and hope that He will use this flawed vessel to express His love, to minister to His girls and to make a difference in a tired, worn out, exhausted, hurting, flawed world. Here is to being undaunted, unstoppable, a Lioness compelled by Love.