The Rambling Mama: A Glimpse into My Past (with Pictures!)

This is going to be a brutally honest post here.

I just want family. I want to be accepted. I want to be invited to things. I want people to think of me. I feel like I have spent my entire life pouring myself out, reaching out to others, serving, loving on and accepting others only to in turn, get slapped in the face over and over by people deliberately leaving me out of their lives. What do I need to do? Am I just stupid? Am I dumb? Why the heck is it that I am left out of family and friend's life, when they know my heart is just aching for them to want me too?

It hurts. It hurts to see pictures of baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, conferences, get togethers, etc, and know that I could have been there, making friends, loving on others. I don't want to suck the life out of people. I want to add to their lives. I want to give to them. I want to bless and love them. But no one gives me a chance.

Last night, I scrolled through pictures of my old church and cried until my chest hurt. I questioned my sanity on leaving there. I questioned why God called me out. I questioned every aspect of my life since that fateful moment of leaving Homestead Heritage. I questioned every single thought and action I've taken as I moved away from the life I loved and enjoyed. I even wrote my dad and told him I must have a psychological issue, because I'm like a dog to it's vomit. I keep returning to open up the old wounds of leaving my friends; Hailey, Krista, Susanna, Mickey, Tiffany, Regina, Joy, Julaine, Rebekah, and so many, many, many others! I keep mulling over the memories of choir, orchestra, volley ball, baby showers, bridal showers, quilting parties, dinners, get togethers, FUN!

Suddenly it dawned on me. There, I was accepted. There, I was loved. There, I found happiness. Out here in the world? It's full of cold people. People who just focus on their own selves and their little established circle of friends. They hold on to petty offenses. They don't care one damn about other people. They believe lies. They spread rumors. They refuse to forgive and forget. They turn others against me. Yeah, some people at my old church do the same...and have done the same and are still doing the same. But I know their reasoning. I understand why. And if they weren't under the power of the blackest demonic cloud ever, they would never consider being that way out here.

So no wonder I hold onto the past. No wonder I feel as if I'm living in a dream and just coping out here. It's all a bad nightmare and someday I'll wake up and have all my friends back, right? Nope. I just want to fit in. I just want to have friends. I just want people to enjoy me being their friend. But so far, I've not found a single soul out here that has room for me. Coping is hard. Coping sends people over the edge. Coping makes people crazy. Coping is just existence because they have to.

I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired. Tired. TIRED. My heart stays crushed. I smile because I need to. I smile because I'm raising kids that need a mama. I smile because if anyone saw the pain that ran so deep in my veins, I'm pretty sure I'd scare every single person away. Oh wait! I forgot. I already scared everyone away. Gotta just hold on, because I have four little lives to love and care for. I have a husband who loves me...thank God for him. I have parents that know what I'm going through...thank God for them. I can only hope someday, somewhere, this cavern in my heart will be filled and that God leads me somewhere that has people who care, who love, who accept. I hope He leads me somewhere that has people that will allow me to grow, say stupid things, forgive and move on, and help me mature. I feel like I'm stuck back where my life ended...at 16 years old. I feel like I am a 28 year old in a 16 year old's body. I pray that God finds me friends who will allow me to make mistakes and help me grow through them, instead of pushing me out when the going gets rough. Maybe someday, I'll feel my age and be emotionally mature. But right now, that's not where I'm at. I'm a hurting, scared, scarred, bleeding soul that just needs love and acceptance. I know God says He fulfills all the needs, but He created humans to help with that. That's why I want friends, family, sister in laws, cousins, nieces and nephews,...love.

Here's a collage of my past...see, I did have friends. Unlike what I've been accused of, in the past, of being "unlovable" and "so disrespectful that no one would ever want to be my friend...." etc. (Ps. the people saying that had literally never even had dinner with me, or even had coffee with me, to know the slightest bit about me).