Pushing Beyond Our Limits

The other day I commented on a prominent women leader's post on Instagram about how I felt a lot of women were judged, left out, forgotten (purposely and inadvertently) and so on. I don't really remember what prompted me to say what I did, but I remember feeling disturbed and commented out of that frustration.

I am speaking from experience. I have been through a lot with people in the "Christian world." I have felt left out, pushed out, forgotten and stomped on. I know it happens to others as well. I have several friends who either don't go to church because of the hurt they've experienced, or they go because they feel it's the only thing left for them to do. So when I commented on this women leaders page, I was posting out of hurt and frustration. Imagine my surprise when she took the time to respond to me! She told me to use the hurt and frustration as a foundation for finding other women who have been hurt the same as me and to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance for them. In other words, she was saying to step out of my shell and find a place of ministry and love for others and there, I would find healing and grace.

I have wanted to reach women of all ages, including teens since I was about 15 years old. When the dream was born into my heart to minister to women, I had absolutely no way of accomplishing that with the situation I was in. (Another story for another day). I was 15 years old and I was flying out to California to be with family. I was landing at LAX and as we were flying over the city, I was looking out of the window, excited to be in such a big, unique city. My thoughts were on vacation and having fun when all of a sudden I found myself choked up, full of emotion and it was almost like an audible voice said, "This is your city. This is where I am calling you. This is your ministry." It has never been confirmed  by anyone in the Christian world. I won't claim to say it was God, but I will say I have a strong feeling it was. I see a picture of LA and my heart wells up with longing to be there, to walk the streets and reach people, teens, girls, and share hope, love and acceptance.

So what is the first step to getting there? Well, I have a lot of things to overcome. First of all, getting really real here, I have an anxiety disorder. I have PTSD. I have chronic panic attacks. I can't even go into the grocery store without my husband or kids there because I have some unrealistic fear of having to hand my credit card to the cashier and having to talk to them. If I go by myself, I keep my eyes to myself, I fast-walk through the entire store and finish as fast I can, then I go to the self check. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I'm out. I go to church gatherings and stand in the back, leave as the last song is complete and rush out without making eye contact. Talking terrifies me. But how can I minister if I don't reach out, have relationships and step out of my comfort zone? How can I do what God has called me to without pushing myself to do things I'm scared of? I bet every Olympian feels pushed, tired, strained, pulled beyond their limits to get where they're at. I bet every Christian leader that has an impact on the world has had to overcome obstacles in their lives. I bet anyone who has done anything with their lives beyond the mundane has had to push themselves to do things they'd never do to get where they're at. God wants to use our limitations to show us how big He is. He wants to use the flawed so His perfection can be glorified. He wants to use the sick to show His healing powers. He wants to use the scared so His boldness can be used. He uses imperfect people to reach an imperfect world in an incredibly perfect way.

So here is to being scared, having anxiety, unsure of the future, and panic attacks. Here's to my imperfections and the knowledge and hope that He will use this flawed vessel to express His love, to minister to His girls and to make a difference in a tired, worn out, exhausted, hurting, flawed world. Here is to being undaunted, unstoppable, a Lioness compelled by Love.